FANZINE

Offset, Alf drove a drove a 5-wheeled station wagon with a pilot’s license. He was very good at nachos and silence. Little known is the fact that certain parts of the television show ALF were 100% true; the series is now considered to be one of the first reality shows. Born on October 28, 1756, on the Melmacian Lower East Side, Alf—actual name _____—really was from the planet of Melmac, really did crash his space ship into the Tanners’ garage. He truly was a being separated from his home planet. What the television series was able to capture was the silliness, the inherent comedic value of an alien life form that often crammed-day old loaves of sourdough bread into empty fish tanks, then insisted they be referred to as his specials; alien life form that constantly joked about eating the Tanner family cat until, when it perished of natural causes, he mourned its death same as every other family member did, with sorrow and earnestness.

What the series didn’t portray, however, was the fact that whenever Alf swallowed on Earth, he tasted a bittersweet phlegm, marshmallic but filled with dull razors. The success of alienation. By the sun in the bud at midnight in late February, by the liquid sun pouring its gold on his back throughout every August swelter, Alf kept swallowing until the divisions appeared before him like sentinels guarding an exit-less entrance. In front of the cameras he was Alf, jovial, carefree; offset he was _____ and very much alone.

Maroon sprawls abounding, there was so much blood in his memory. Silent. What to review, how to begin, not to end.

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_{Check out earlier reviews in THEN I BUST OUT here.}