FANZINE

Last night we fell asleep listening to a podcast with a woman who disagreed with sitting on chairs. She stood all day, and when she got tired she would lie down on the ground. Once she was lying down on the floor of the bank, waiting for the teller, and someone asked her if she was having a heart attack. What’s more, she was a chair collector, and had heaps of chairs in her house (but every chair had to be different, no two chairs could be the same).

 

 

I think i just heard someone say “mariah carey is from the brat pack, james packer is from the fat pack”. But im alone in my house

 

 

Keep beleiving something is terribly terribly wrong. Then i stop and wonder what it is and why my heart is beating so fast. I realised its cos i watched neighbours and my fave character stole a prescription pad to get opiates. and the cops just found out

 

 

I could say ‘lifes a flower’ or ‘life is darkness’ and get the same result. 2 notes and a msg from my boyfriends mum asking if im ok

 

 

Feeling like a bride who wants out-of-season flowers for her summer wedding

 

 

Desperate for mother figures so i choose martha stewart and my psychiartrist. My psychiartist tells me be careful with what I do cos the feds are watching. Martha stewart doesnt tell me much except she is so sweet. She recently described her birds as “my beauty females” now i soooo want to live on a farm. Far away from “big kale” “big organic” and “big ugly vegetable” (jamie oliver) 😉

 

 

I keep borrowing books from the library then I spend days reading very slowly, I finally get to page 20 and realise I very much disagree with what the writer is saying. Then I hide the books somewhere in the house so i never have to think abt them until their two month loan is expired. I wonder why I always have to disagree

 

 

A psychologist who kept saying “you didn’t ask to be born”

 

 

I thought when i grew my hair long i would have ‘an interesting canvas to work with.’ I was always telling myself that every day when i put my shoulder-length hair up in a bun. Now that it’s long i don’t know what to do with it, I don’t want to cut layers into it so i wear it out and watch it go from fluffy and stupid in the morning, flat and boring in the afternoon, and perfect and beatiful just before i go to sleep and no one’s around to see me

 

 

My black nail polish looks like i reached into the highway while they were still building it and i got it on my hands.

Now I reach into the rainbow and i take the beauuuutiful feelings and make them mine. Then i die.

 

 

These guys keep reading my blog in stealth, then when i see them for coffee they say “I hate your blog. I don’t want to read it anymore. If I kept reading it I would feel obliged to send you a text message every day to make sure you hadn’t killed yourself. Don’t do anything stupid, Anna.” Really i am a super peaceful girl and i’m cheery pretty much always. Some guys just like to tell me over coffee that they’re sure i’m going to die soon. Then i leave that cafe table and go feel scared in the bathroom

 

 

I like real housewife Lydia who drinks 8 cups of coffee a day because her favourite feeling is a pounding heart. Now that i tried to drink as many coffees in the day as the real housewives of melbourne i am not feeling very glamorous at 11pm when i cant think of anything more to do in the day and it would be nice to sleep

 

 

 

I dream i could find a job on craigslists but that’s impossible here. Once I talked to a guy from craigslist about his failed marriage for a whole day and he said “no one has ever cared about me like you do”. I thought I could get some money or drugs out of it but i didnt have a concrete plan for getting money. And he had never tried drugs because mates wouldn’t let him, so he asked for me to explain the experience of weed. He told me his wife was pregnant for 11 months and since then he has stopped loving her and she has stopped wanting cuddles. I cut off communication when he asked “anna do you like being pounded in both holes” cos I felt embarrassed.

Anyway I wouldnt apply for this job, fuck combustion 😉

 

 

The extroverts from my high school are now caught up in a pyramid scheme

 

 

Once they glued a metal wire into my mouth then I swallowed it by mistake and no one cared.  Now I have a little metal wire somewhere in my stomach since 2008

 

 

It made me more panicked when i had been feeling a lot better so I have been mostly trying to feel better again, am feeling good now though” I just wrote in an email, thats a riddle will anyone on the receiving end be able to solve it

 

 

Our neighbour told aiden that everywhere in europe there are special biscuits that you dissolve in hot chocolate. Now aiden is really excited to go. He bought  a whole pack of french biscuits made in italy for me to eat today

 

 

My last blog post before i got murdered would be another boring one abt how i feel kinda scared

 

 

It turned midnight and Aiden sleeptalked “I am a victim of your love and beauty. Don’t charge me.” We were watching some crime thrillers yesterday

 

 

When someone invites me out i think they’re following the motto “keep your friends close but your enemies closer”

 

 

Job interview look: swollen face from crying, crocs, all the clothes i washed in preparation are still a bit damp, feeling lonely, thinking abt sylvia plath, feeling aspiration cos the only way i can go is up

 

 

I dont like being in mcdonalds when they start to play imagine by john lennon that is a lot to handle

 

 

Since I bought these rainbow roses I have put them in a vase and spent all my time sitting in the other room where I can’t see them. It will be less stressful once they die

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_{Anna Crews (b.1995) is a writer living in Melbourne.}