I Want ITT Tech to Buy My Papers
President, ITT Technical Institute
13000 N. Meridian Street Carmel, IN 46032-1404
Dear President Feichtner,
With the recent passing of author Harry Crews, I discovered that the University of Georgia library purchased his collected papers in 2006. Soon, I learned that many writers’ manuscripts, letters and doodles are frequently bought by colleges for scholarly research. For example, the University of Texas’ library owns every scrap of Don Delillo’s filing cabinets. This led to ask the obvious question: “Why not me?”
I am writing to offer ITT Technical Institute’s library (You guys have a library, right?) exclusive rights to obtaining the Patrick Wensink Papers.
I’m prepared to clear out my office and deliver ITT my entire personal output for an undisclosed sum (Papers seem to always sell for undisclosed sums. Let’s shoot for that). This includes numerous manuscripts of all three of my books, a hard drive containing multiple electronic drafts of every novel, short story and essay I’ve ever penned. All of my notebooks, filled with regrettable book title ideas, like “Big Shadow Shits Little Shadow,” and late-night epiphanies such as “Why aren’t there more doo-wop groups in literature?” This deal also entitles ITT Tech to the entirety of my email correspondences (George Saunders once politely declined to blurb my book!) and all 544 Tweets I have thus far written.
Ah, but that’s not all!
ITT students can learn about persistence from my numerous failures. Included in the Patrick Wensink Papers will be the hundreds of rejections my latest novel, Broken Piano for President (Lazy Fascist Press) received, including one Viking Press editor who called it “Nauseating.” As a special treat, I still have a few hate mails I got as a rock critic in Dayton, OH, stemming from a 2002 article about how the new Trail of Dead album sucked.
Need more? Okay. I see Harry Crews’ papers also consist of royalty statements. Consider it done! (Including that dismal statement from June 2010 when I banked $3.63.)
Sounds pretty tempting, right? But you’re thinking: Why ITT Tech?
True, I never attended your fine institute of higher learning. But Crews didn’t go to Georgia, and I’m pretty sure Don Delillo has never set foot outside the New York metropolitan area, so I think we’re okay on that front. My papers will be a great learning tool for ITT academics. Students could write theses about me! I could come and speak to stenography classes on the importance of typing!
President Feichtner, you’re probably also thinking: Yeah, but those guys were all famous authors. You’re no Don Delillo, Mr. Wensink.
Right again. But you’re not exactly Harvard.
Or even Middle Tennessee State, for that matter.
That’s why we’re perfect for each other! ITT is America’s third most-popular degree mill and I’m America’s 103rd most-popular humorist (right behind Dane Cook.).
You’re looking at the ITT Tech of humor writers.
Plus, I might still get famous. It could happen. My chances of publishing a Pulitzer-winning novel might be slim, but my likelihood of gaining notoriety by impregnating Snooki or falling down a well, Baby Jessica-style, are astronomically high (I drink a lot). When that happens, owning The Wensink Archive will be a terrific boon for ITT Tech.
And, because of this kinship, the Patrick Wensink Papers are offered at a bargain rate. Crews, Delillo, and the like sold their papers when they were well-respected pillars of literature, probably for hundreds of thousands of dollars (T.C. Boyle’s papers just sold for a whopping $425,000). My literary estate can be yours for an undisclosed sum that hovers right around the price of a club sandwich and a Dr. Pepper.
Please keep in mind that I could have taken this juicy, once-in-a-lifetime educational offer to those jokers at DeVry or the University of Phoenix. But I chose ITT Tech, Mr. Feichtner. I am soliciting you and your institute because of your relentless dedication to the student body and the paralegal arts.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on ITT Technical Institute acquiring the Patrick Wensink Papers. I am willing to meet at any of your 140 campuses. Frankly, the sooner the better. My wife is pretty pissed about how messy my office has become. So, ITT would, obviously, be doing me a solid.
America’s 103rd Most-Popular Humorist