FANZINE

The road to becoming less disgusting is a long one but doable
is what my Tinder profile says 
I’m on the toilet swiping left and right
I schedule an event in my Google calendar for October
Hello from March things aren’t so great
I try to write a poem and am like oh hi mom and dad
I try to write a poem about white but white is everywhere and my foot’s on your back
All my poems are about a shame so deep I didn’t shit for two weeks in college
The field is dead or built over or really far away or too expensive or there’s not enough time
I give myself my first enema
My nose tingles with recognition though I’m not sure why
I pour room temperature coffee into a lemonade pitcher and take it upstairs to the bathroom
I do a test run with a hot water bottle that doubles as a douche bag to ensure I can utilize the
    clamp correctly
I hang the bottle from its hook to a hanger on the shower and lay on my side with my iPhone
I rub coconut oil over my asshole
I raise a leg and slide the tube between my thighs
I stick the plastic nozzle into my ass
My cat Paolo watches skeptically after being shooed away from trying to smell my pussy
Contrary to what I’d read on the internet I didn’t feel a surge of liquid fill my colon
Sadly I didn’t feel anything really
But it worked
Big time
So I’m on the toilet flipping through the Skymall catalogue
The Skymall catalogue is selling the cooling pillow
Is selling the temperature regulating blanket
Is selling the genuine Turkish bathrobe
The original sleep sound generator
The nighttime arthritis pain relieving gloves
The circulation improving leg wraps
The turn your pool into an enchanting Venetian canal
Is selling the handmade steel promise cross signifies his love
The personalized center for exceptional grandchildren and children doormats
The finally your dog has a yard of its own
The she dreams of fairies now she can be one too
Is selling the your name in the sand
The track everything from your child to your most prized possession
The hands free gear clock
The I can’t promise sign
The say goodnight to bunions
NOT FOR NOTHING but
What if instead of saying HAVE A GOOD ONE
We just said I CAN’T PROMISE YOU ANYTHING
or YOUR NAME IN THE SAND, MAN

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_{Alex Cuff lives in Brooklyn where she teaches at a public high school and edits No, Dear magazine.}

_{Image from Jacob Ciocci}