7 People Who Should Die in 2006

Ben Arnold


It’s a new year, and let’s face it, some of us aren’t going to make it to 2007. Those are just the breaks. Hoard all the money you want. Do yoga. Inject Botox. Whatever. Eventually, the Grim Reaper pimps everybody’s ride. And while we here at the Fanzine certainly don’t wish death on anyone, let us posit this question: is there anyone out there mourning last year’s loss of William Rehnquist? Hell no. Are we better off without him? Probably. One might even be inclined to say he should have kicked the proverbial bucket sooner. But why stop there? Here’s a short list of some prime candidates we believe would make the new year a whole lot more fun to live in… without.

1. Dick Cheney – Were you expecting some other evil genius? Karl Rove, perhaps? Forget that egghead. We all know Cheney’s the one really in charge. Without him, the Bush Death Star would have no Darth Vader. What other cabinet member has the balls to take on the United Nations, Europe, Iraq, the press, and 50% of the American population? The big, scary bully on the global playground would be gone, leaving a power vacuum so large, you could hide a W.M.D. in it. Plus, Dick’s already had enough heart attacks to finance the careers of an entire wing of heart surgeons, so it could happen any day now.

2. Fidel Castro – They call him La Cucaracha because he’s survived everything just like a cockroach. But bastante es bastante – enough’s enough! The coolest thing Castro ever did was hang out with Che Guevara. Since then, his biggest claim to fame is helping to bring the world as close to an all-out nuclear war as its ever come, and keeping the largest island in the Carribean in the Stone Age. The dream is over, dude. The Soviets gave up. Your side lost. Clearly, the only way he’s ever going to step down from power is in a coffin. While there’s word that Castro plans on passing off the dictatorship to his family, we all know there’s too much prime real estate on Cuba’s beaches to let that happen.

3. Paris Hilton – Let’s hope God nips this one in the bud – this year! Granted, America’s high princess of materialism produces enough gossipy grist to keep an entire tabloid industry afloat. But riddle us this: what has she done for us lately? Seriously, why is this brainless cunt famous? For doing an impression of a raccoon getting it from behind on her sex tape? Death might actually give Paris some legitimacy. Look what it did for Princess Di! Besides, we can already tell you what’s in store for her: marriage, divorce, drug abuse, rehab, rehab, rehab, more drug abuse, plastic surgery and possibly a talk show.

4. Keith Richards – “Dude, Keith’s never going to die,” you say. But that’s what would make it all the more interesting. Just when you thought he couldn’t get any more embalmed looking, Keith finally bites it, and leaves Mick in the lurch. No more tours, no more merchandise, no more new albums for critics to call “the best one since Tattoo You.” And this wouldn’t be like when Brian Jones o.d.’ed. Without Keith, the geriatric circus that is the modern-day Rolling Stones would finally have to call it quits, and preserve whatever dignity they still have left. If that sounds too mean, just think about how relieved you were when Jerry Garcia died.

5. Michael Douglas – Why Mikey D. you ask? First, he’s a douchebag. Second, it would be a wonderful Hollywood irony: the cocky son croaks before the decrepit dad does. Third, his death would free up one of the hottest pieces of ass on the planet, Catherine Zeta-Jones. And who here thinks Michael Douglas ever deserved her?

6. Paul McCartney – Paul is dead. No, really. It could happen. Right now, Ringo and Sir “Say Say Say” are locked in a heated battle to be the last Beatle standing. Not only would it be completely rational in a “Helter Skelter” kind of world for Ringo to win that fight, but also, we believe the Fab Four may be expiring in a meritorious order: from most talented to least. John blazed the way, then came George. Obviously, Paul is next.

7. Jeb Bush – Ah, to dream the impossible. Or is it? Jeb certainly doesn’t look as fit as his brother-in-chief does. Maybe all it would take to make his ticker stop is another hurricane to hit Florida, and that happens every year. Then, joy upon joy, the nation could breathe a little easier knowing at least one of Barbara Bush’s spawn wouldn’t be able to run for office in 2008. Plus, it seems an untimely death would be a fit comeuppance for what Jeb let happen in the 2000 recount.