FANZINE

Sure, once I was just like you. I thought “War on Christmas? C’mon?” I mean, I was pretty secure in the idea that Christmas was doing all right. The spirit of this joyous holiday seemed alive all around me, from the frantic black Friday dawn raids on the department stores to the quiet hush of the midnight mass. Christmas isn’t in danger, is it?

Well my friend, I am afraid it is. A good pal of mine recently gave me a copy of Fox News Anchor John Gibson’s new book The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse than You Thought. Let me just tell you, this book was an eye opener. Did you know about the “cabal of secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-wracked Christians” that are conspiring to remove every last scrap and speck of this sacred holiday from every public square? Did you know that Santa and Rudolph and presents and delicious warm Christmas cookies baked by Grandma are all facing a unilateral assault from these forces? I sure the heck didn’t.

This revelation I imagine may leave you in a dill of a pickle. But do not fear, you can do something about this. Now is the time for action, as the Christmas season is upon us once again. Bill O’Reilly, Jerry Falwell, and other prominent men have joined in this new crusade. It is the duty of every Christian man and his wife walking obediently behind him to stand up and fight. I have formed a group in my own area, the Revolutionary Army of the Baby Jesus, or RABJ, and we have begun to march with the words of Reverend Falwell as our motto: “Christmas: You are either with us, or against us.”

We at RABJ have made a list of helpful hints to help you fight back and join the crusade. Some of these may seem like small gestures, but remember: This is war.

Helpful Christmas Hints, Courtesy of RABJ:

– The next time someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas,” respond with “Yes! And I as well wish you a happy and joyous celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!” If anyone wishes you a “Happy Holiday,” hand him or her a Bible. Let them know that you will pray for their soul.

– When driving, or in any situation where music is possible, blare your most Christian Christmas tunes, from “Silent Night” to “The Christmas Shoes.” If someone asks you to turn it down, respond with, “What’s next? Are you going to throw me to the lions?”

– Engage in protest actions that alert the larger world to our cause. Create Nativity flash mobs in the public square. Graffiti “Christmas” over “Holidays” on mall displays. Stage a Million Santa march from the Offices of the American Humanist Association to the doors of the ACLU. Take every opportunity to make the public at large aware of our dire struggle.

– Go to your child’s public school and demand that the principal dress as Santa and that all the teachers dress as elves, that there be a Christmas pageant with a Christmas tree and Christmas carols every hour on the hour, and that, when saying the pledge of allegiance, that the phrase ‘under God” be changed to “under God AND SANTA CLAUS!” from December 1st through the 31st.

– At your place of work, engage in little to no productive action from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day. Spend your time shopping online, organizing office Christmas parties, and attending these parties. If some supervisor questions this action, respond that you feel you are being persecuted due to your religious beliefs, and that unless he wants a million dollar “Jew York City-style” lawsuit, he had better back off.

Friend, these are only a few suggestions to begin our response. If we are to win this war, we must be ever vigilant. Do you want to live in a world where some politically correct type can tell you to cool it with the carols? Do you want to live in a place devoid of joy or presents just because some ACLU trial lawyer has a problem with it? Do you want some French latte liberal from Hollywood to be ruining your warm reminiscences of holiday magic? No, I didn’t think so. “Christmas: You are either with us or against us!” should be your reply to all comers. Maybe, if we push hard enough, the values that we all hold can be successfully defended against this odious conspiracy. I wish you luck in your personal battles against the Secular Humanists and all their ilk. Merry Christmas to all, like it or not!

Mr. Kabara suggests a good present idea this year, especially for the heathen inclined. A good old fashioned singing telegram.