The Lost Tweets of @bobcoover

Mark Baumer

26.01.16

bobcoover

The @bobcoover twitter account was created on April 5, 2014. On July 9, 2014 twitter suspended the @bobcoover twitter because it claimed “@bobcoover” was not “Bob Coover.” Below is an archive of all the “@bobcoover” tweets. All tweets were authored by whoever created the @bobcoover twitter account.

 

 

April 5, 2014

I just masturbated. It reminded me of the time I caught President Nixon masturbating. Buy my book.

 

Okay, I guess no one on here is going to buy my book. Well, I’m going to go masturbate a fax machine and write some more goddamn fiction.

 

Just got back from Captain America. Sad there wasn’t even one masturbation scene.

 

Third brunist novel is just going to be 12,000 pages of avengers fan fiction.

 

Has anyone tried killing some cops by throwing my new book at them yet? #buymybook”

 

April 6, 2014

Might try selling my book on whisper or tinder.

 

Is donald barthelme on here?

 

Hey girl I might die soon.

 

Anyone need a blurb?

 

I remember when masturbation came in a can and only cost two nickels.

 

I’m the real Bob Coover

 

Writing a novel while i do my taxes.

 

When you hump your own baby thumb as much as me then basically every second of your life feels illegal

 

Reading tip: put lettuce in between the pages when you’re done with them that way you know what pages you’ve read

 

Anyone at @Gawker want to interview an old almost-dead white male author?

 

April 7, 2014

In case you missed it, last night on game of thrones I smeared some wrinkle goo on the flesh of the lord’s crown piece

 

working on a novel pool side.

 

can I get a retweet…my dad just died.

 

@JamesFrancoTV I’m 18 #dtf.

 

I celebrate easter every day because I’m a dirty old man.

 

I read moby dick when I was negative three years old.

 

If anyone needs any hard drugs please call 1 800 BOB COOVER

 

Just got to Coachella. Where are all bitches

 

When is macaulay culkin’s pizza band playing?”

 

ps only reason I’m going to Coachella is because knopf is paying me $200. #drugboobs

 

9/11 memorial should use a quote from either me or Derek Jeter

 

When I was in college it was called a ‘hand opportunity’

 

Only solution to sexism in america is if all the white men kill themselves. Will kill myself if this tweet gets 4 retweets

 

Did you know: I once masturbated for twelve consecutive hours in Connecticut while writing my second novel

 

April 8, 2014

Anyone got any flesh I can put my dirty mouth on

 

Woke up on the couch, tearfully masturbating, sucking on my other thumb.

 

Sad I didn’t get enough retweets to kill myself last night. Will keep trying (will kill myself if this gets 2 retweets)

 

Obituary: Bob Coover died because he got two retweets

 

Recently saw a woman with a female body

 

At least three or four times a day I think the phrase ‘doing drugs in the butt’

 

Anyone have any dogs they’re not going to eat

 

I wish more people treated me like a garbage bin of tits

 

April 9, 2014

Working on a novel where I cut off my pp and crawl in the p-hole and when I come out the other side I am a neon turd searching for my tits

 

If that last tweet didn’t give you a boner then congratulations you’re not an old white creepy sack of creepy sacks aka me

 

would you read my new book if I cut off my own genitals and left them in a salvation army clothing bin?

 

getting drink of f my own koolade

 

Replace all the boners in english literature with bonnets

 

Would anyone be interested in wearing a shirt made out of my hair?

 

Blurb: I don’t like authors that use letters in their name.

 

Email me a $100 and get a free book

 

i once dj a party

 

Excited to read in Utah (@UofUEnglish) tonight. Everyone please give me a hug.

 

April 10, 2014

Tired of people thinking I’m not me.

 

I’m eating napkins right now because it’s my birthday. winky winky

 

Everyone in utah please give me hugs tonight RT @UofUEnglish: Tonight! @bobcoover reading at @UUtah”

 

Might start peeing and never stop

 

Thank you for being a part of my life. i miss u

 

I only buy my own book$

 

I’d put a sandwich in Nicholas Cage’s bitcoin

 

I did hitler in the butt once when I was 3

 

phil Collins is a qt

 

Overheard my wife tell our house plant that she only married me because I was not Asian

 

Utah is beautiful. I want its trees in my butt

 

@Utah_Trees alright. Let’s do this. Get in my butt

 

April 11, 2014

Utah was great. I did bad things. On my way back to Coachella to do more bad things.

 

Will be reading my entire 1100 page novel on stage during outkast tonight at Coachella

 

My drug dealer once sold drugs to a baby

 

I want to make a hundred babies. Does anyone have some functioning genitals I can borrow?”

 

Already shirtless and wearing a hat made out of someone else’s human waste #coachella

 

Kind of drunk, preparing some documents for my accountant, hanging out at Coachella

 

Hey @RobertDowneyJr can I be in next ironman wearing your body as a suit”

 

please tell @JamesFrancoTV I’m 18 and dtf.

 

@justinbieber can I make a baby in your eyelid?

 

April 12, 2014

Had fun reading on stage with outkast. Probably going to sleep on a dead pizza and some empty frig bags

 

Anyone want to grind with an eighty year old man

 

How do I use tinder on twitter or do I need to go on facebook to use it?

 

I am at heart a realist

 

I’ve been éating a lot of potato chips because I keep finding potato chips on the ground

 

Butts money Trees

 

April 13, 2014

Might die… why are there so many chips on the ground

 

I am eating a potato chip. I like eating potato chips.

 

silently whispering insecure thoughts to my own brain.

 

Going to start eating my own human waste to see if that can become like a thing.

 

The cool thing about getting old is that you don’t have to wash your hands. I haven’t washed my hands in 10 years.

 

Thinking about getting circumcised on my 83rd birthday.

 

April 14, 2014

spent all weekend at coachella, haven’t showered, too busy to shower this week, might not shower rest of month, plz dont stop giving me hugs.”

 

The earth is round, but my girlfriend decided to leave me because she wanted to make sure the earth was round.”

 

The last time I saw my ex-girlfriend she said, “It would be easier if you were dead,” so I tried to be dead, but Bob Coover can’t die.

 

Education used to be different. In first grade, my teacher rubbed a special ointment on the inside of my mouth each day before recess.

 

I used to be his tennis instructor, but I never taught a single lesson because I always cancelled.

 

Why are people still writing and talking about Updike?

 

There is too much social media in the world but I’m still trying to do all the social media.

 

I think Bob Coover is responsible

 

Which of you is behind the @michelledean account?

 

please tell @JamesFrancoTV I’m 18 and dtf.

 

i actually prefer game of thrones jk

 

I’m the realest bob coover alive

 

I’ve always been real

 

I’ve never been more real

 

I wish I wasn’t real. The world could use less white male heterosexual authors

 

Hope I win the pulitzer so I can prove to everyone in real.

 

I’ve eaten nachos every night since Reagan was born

 

Haa anyone binge-watched my new book? Like literally sat and looked at the fat shit for 12 hours while eating ice cream

 

I miss Ben Marcus”

 

he graduated. So did you. I miss you too.

 

spoiler: in my new book jesus masturbates on trashcans and Ronald Reagan.

 

If I’m anything besides myself then I’m probably just a midnight grumpy sexist tweet.

 

You bring the sled. I’ll dress up like a snowflake.

 

Watching macgyver.

 

Sounds like @JayMcInerney is eating doritos in a van of meat sauce.

 

Don’t take any lollipops from @JayMcInerney. He keeps them in his butt.

 

I’d sew a 1000 bananas together to watch a malnourished baby eat a @Klondikebar.

 

i can never be empty again. I just ate my own book

 

I threw away all my candy bars because my doctor said they were making me stink

 

I’m sad that I’m not Taylor Swift

 

Hi @RyanTrecartin can I be in yr next video game?

 

Can’t believe I’ve never blogged.

 

April 15, 2014

I am real on twitter and in other places too.

 

Feel slightly insane that i have to keep telling the Internet I’m real when it’s obvious it’s the one that doesn’t exist.

 

Someday I hope I can be you.

 

When I was still a fifty-eight-year-old man I thought I was an un-ripe clementine.

 

If I ever got a rock pregnant I would probably kill myself so I wouldn’t have to deal with the responsibility of raising a pebble.

 

please send me a photo of your testicle, i’m your 8000th follower.

 

All my wigs are made out of croutons.

 

Tired of “great american novel” conversation. Instead, can we just flush money down the toilet.

 

The diet pill “powerhouse” is revolutionizing how we use the internet.”

 

I guess in one sense I’ve been trying to write until my dick falls off and it’s disappointing/sad it hasn’t happened yet.”

 

Eating pancakes with Ben Lerner. Just kidding I’m eating alone.

 

Each page of new book was written on an ipad which I photocopied and faxed before burning the ipad and then buying new ipad for next page.

 

April 16, 2014

Bob Coover talking about bob coover writing fiction.

 

Masturbating to a story I wrote about masturbating.

 

Everyone please masturbate to the tweet I wrote about masturbating to a story I wrote.

 

My first book was written on a gameboy which explains why only two letters were us3d.

 

I have been eating good foods my whole life because I’m priceless.

 

meant to say: I have been eating good foods like oysters my whole life because I’m privileged and white and male #sad

 

metabation

 

I almost forgot it was easter season and there are thousands of peeps that want to crawl in my landfill

 

We can go sledding now

 

I am putting on my snow boots.

 

I tell you wife everything.

 

Keith Waldrop went sledding without me.

 

Can I get a massive advance for my next book @AAKnopf ? It’s my birthday?

 

Good prank: use mayonnaise instead of ink when printing books.

 

Should I eat all game of thrones books?

 

April 17, 2014

Almost prayed to jesus but instead vomited in a pail of bibles and then emptied the pail into my penis hole”

 

My next novel is going to literally be 666 photocopies of my boob

 

Still can’t believe Kevin Costner is dead

 

Who is the ugly wrinkle dressed up like me in all the photos of Bob Coover?

 

April 18, 2014

I might not stop crying until I’m dead too RIP Gabriel García Márquez

 

Everyone go out and do a bunch of nice things that you can remember forever

 

Order my book. It comes with its own little caesers pizza franchise.

 

Dear @JoyceCarolOates why wasn’t I invited to your party? I’m sad.

 

Why wasn’t I asked to be in the alt-lit anthology? I’m sad.

 

How do you YOLO when you’ve already almost lived once?

 

Why isn’t anyone thinking about me. I’m sad.

 

in Las Vegas it’s so sad here but I’m in the casino being happy

 

The world deserves to know how many crumbs my body has ruined.

 

Six words into my next novel. Only 400k to go.

 

On 4/18/1993 I worked at McDonald’s for a day because I thought I was getting out of the writing game.

 

My real regret is that I didnt father more alternative literature babies. Maybe I will try again #nevergiveup.

 

I know who defaced my name to say ‘robert poover’ on the sign for my utah reading. It was me. I did it.

 

My first novel (unpublished) is still working part time at Starbucks. It is 63 years old

 

April 19, 2014

If you don’t want your panties in a bunch don’t put your panties in a bunch

 

I wish I was more bad people

 

If you post one more selfie @JamesFrancoTV I’m going to kill myself #itsuptoyou

 

Bought a bunch of candy crush stock. #stockCoover

 

I miss Barry Hannah

 

Once upon a time there was a boy who juggled his pasta until it got saucy

 

April 20, 2014

For most holidays I like to paint the word “jesus” on my dick and drink some smoothies

 

Looks like you posted another selfie @JamesFrancoTV …I guess I have to kill myself.

 

Dear @NewYorker i just killed myself. Please write about me.

 

ps i killed myself because @JamesFrancoTV would not stop posting selfies

 

Dear @Gawker, @JamesFrancoTV would not stop posting selfies so I killed myself

 

I loved James Franco so much I killed myself. Don’t follow him if you’re not willing to kill yourself

 

I’m sad that I died. I won’t get to see anymore of James Franco’s movies.

 

I hate when people follow celebrities but don’t love the celebrities enough to kill themselves. Don’t follow celebrities if not willing to die.

 

April 21, 2014

I ate so many jesus candies yesterday.

 

When did the first baby die.

 

I’m the worst feminist. Kevin Costner movies are the second worst.

 

if you asked someone named “bob coover” if I was real and he said no then you probably asked a fake Bob Coover.

 

April 22, 2014

How come every time I eat bean muffins my hands smell like poop?

 

In first grade we only had one crayon and it was yellow.

 

donde esta la playa?

 

Some guy in a pink dress shirt gave me $ because he thought I was homeless.

 

dear Obama, can I have sex at your house?

 

whoops sorry Obama, dialed the wrong number.

 

my pee used to smell like a candy toot.

 

crappie.

 

I remember when Allen Iverson applied to the Brown writing program. He got in but he did the nba instead.

 

Still waiting for the @NewYorker to send me my jean claude van damn cash money nickel sack.

 

April 23, 2014

hi…I’m a creepy old man and have no babies to offer but meditation helped fill the human emptiness society had created within me.

 

Dead unborn baby left behind six unpublished manuscripts.

 

Please throw chicken nuggets at me during my readings.

 

Imagine if I was @Drake?

 

Should have worn my glow in the dark LED pot leaf shirt to this reading.

 

April 24, 2014

My favorite phone app is the “wink at my penis” app where you can post pictures of your penis and then people can wink at them.

 

Oh…whoops the wink at my penis app doesn’t exist. I guess I’ve been posting dick pics on facebook this whole time.

 

When were blogs invented? How come no one told me?

 

You can find interesting things on blogs!

 

Don’t come to my reading unless you plan on looking at Facebook on your phone the whole time.

 

Is that my new book in your pocket or did someone crap a bunch in your pants when you weren’t looking #bobcooverpickuplines.

 

Here’s a picture of me probably talking about something: [posts picture of noam chomsky]

 

Whoops I posted on the wrong bob cover account.

 

Oh well i guess now everyone knows noam chomsky is behind this Bob Coover twitter account.

 

Chomsky rap game Bob Coover.

 

I accidentally pocket-tweeted the last four tweets.

 

Just so there is no confusion: this is really Bob Coover.

 

How many people have to die before this twitter account is verified?

 

Can you (@JamesFrancoTV) do a naked painting of me?

 

…preferably both of us naked.

 

Will wait another 40 years…And hopefully twitter is still around…But going to write third Brunist novel on Twitter.

 

You want to hang out this weekend?

 

I invented xanax in my first novel.

 

April 25, 2014

It’s Friday. Dead people get free ice cream cones at burger king.

 

I was at a party last night and John Ashbery was like “hey gurl wanna see my toad?” And then he showed everyone his toad.

 

Should I go to a wine tasting tonight or draw pictures of flowers and penises on my neighbor’s van?

 

Do you have to have a phone number to use an iphone. Like will I get shot if I don’t.

 

Origin of the “bro” #HipsterBooks

 

Day of “u mad bro?” #HipsterBooks

 

April 26, 2014

I’ve mostly only ever cared about my own erections but I stand in support of Lena

 

I like all my books and I’m proud of them but there are days when I’m embarrassed of who I am

 

April 27, 2014

btw this is Thomas Pynchon

 

April 28, 2014

Dropped my twitter account in the toilet. Sorry for any malfunctionpoopiesxvgdxhjf

 

Sad I didn’t die in Gulf War

 

Watching that movie about the erection that poops anytime it sees a butt

 

Might start a fashion blog

 

Does anyone want to go drive around and yell at people?

 

April 29, 2014

Used to have a thousand genitals but I cut them all off and wear them on a necklace only when I go to fancy literary events

 

Sold my dad’s dead body to taco bell

 

Laying naked face down in a puddle of my own juices. #amwriting

 

Is everyone alone

 

April 30, 2014

Hey @JoyceCarolOates please stop pretending like freedom is dead

 

I’m sad no one has leaked tapes to tmz of all the creepy things I’ve said.

 

Once I told an mfa student not to post on his instagram or we would have to kick him out of the program

 

Another time I was like “if you bring another Billy Collins poem to workshop I’m going to fail the whole class”

 

This doritos commercial is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen

 

What is/are POC?

 

Sometimes I talk to books. I’m like “hey book” and it’s like “hey bob.”

 

Hey @TOMayorFord can I live in your van.

 

May 1, 2014

Wish I never had the desire to write and instead had a desire to own the most burger king franchises

 

My dad is dead. Does anyone want to be my dad? Please retweet this if you have/had a father

 

Retweet if you bought my new book and masturbated on it.

 

Lately I’ve been masturbating on those motel bibles

 

If it was up to me it wouldn’t be up to me

 

Finally figured out what POC means.

 

Now if I could only figure out what MFA means.

 

How come no one invited me too their party last night

 

I’m sad I wasn’t asked to be in mfa vs nyc

 

Bob vs Robert

 

Putting my fist into the flesh wound of my own brain #amwriting

 

Just pooped all over my laptop #amwriting

 

May 2, 2014

At a reading last night guy on stage was naked and bleeding and said you can do anything you want in life

 

I used to tell my students to do drugs until they were dead so there would be less competition.

 

I still don’t understand twitter.

 

May 4, 2014

I don’t know what happened tonight but I think there were 4 fingernails in my chicken nuggets

 

May 5, 2014

I almost was going to give up but then i read about the time @AndrewWK didn’t give up.

 

May 6, 2014

Did you know: I’m related to Charles Schultz

 

I can’t believe daryl strawberries is dead. RIP

 

Sad my nickname isn’t “selfie coover”

 

How come there isn’t a festival celebrating the first time I was naked on earth?

 

I can’t believe it’s been 3 days since my last retweet.

 

I’m just trying to get clicks

 

CROISSANTS & BABIES

 

Should have made more money when I younger so I could buy more dick

 

May 7, 2014

I’m just a shitty old white dude

 

If I wasn’t the real Bob coover I’d probably get sad if I found out about all these tweets

 

I hate my breasts

 

May 8, 2014

One of these days v stiviano is going to take off her mask and reveal she is Vanessa Place

 

Bro have you ever even eaten

 

I once kissed Russell Edson. RIP

 

Remind me to tell you about the time Derek Jeter left the club with the girl I came with. #ilikedher

 

May 9, 2014

Yesterday crapped on my face and the crap wouldn’t move no matter how hard I scrubbed

 

Crap on. Crap off. Crap on. Crap off.

 

RT: Someone please get @bobcoover a potty.

 

May 10, 2014

Frank Serpico once gave me a pair of moccasins.

 

I want to feed everyone watermelon and salmon

 

My emotions are insane which is normal

 

May 14, 2014

A story about the time I tried to do e-writing by eating my laptop

 

May 15, 2014

I love it when people call me “tiny butts”

 

Still trying to earn my life

 

I love little bob covers

 

RT: Wow. Check out our buddy @bobcoover in the @NewYorker

 

What should I turn down?

 

May 17, 2014

I’m sorry for how bad I ruined everything on the internet

 

I need a hug

 

May 18, 2014

I did butt 4 times yesterday

 

Watching full house. Why wasn’t macaulay culkin on this show instead of olsen twins

 

May 22, 2014

Listening to skrillex

 

May 23, 2014

I was in nirvana

 

I like smell pickles

 

Just because I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t be a feather

 

Oh man I just got diabetes

 

Can you eat salad from mcdonalds through skype

 

May 24, 2014

How many more foods before I die

 

Remember, if you kill yourself your parents still have to pay your student loans #brown2014

 

It’s all downhill until you get accepted to grad school #brown2014

 

Anyone masturbating alone tonight #brown2014

 

Last chance to snort adderall off library toilet seat #brown2014

 

6 months until you sell your ipad on Craigslist for grocery $ #Brown2014

 

May 25, 2014

Who is my dad

 

I forgot who my dad was

 

Men only read books by men

 

I am a men

 

I don’t live in a big city

 

Please tell me where to use the internet

 

Hi @emwatson please don’t forget me I am sad old man

 

Drink juice

 

Disappointed brown doesn’t let me give a graduation speech every year

 

At the very least Brown should let me draw smiley faces on all the diplomas

 

How come Miley Cyrus didn’t get an honorary degree this year #brown2014

 

Please give me hugs today.

 

May 26, 2014

Dear women, don’t let fear stop you

 

Dear women, you can do it

 

Dear woman keep making the world a better place

 

Dear women I hope men don’t ruin everything by time you are in charge of world

 

May 29, 2014

I ate a bag of parasites because I thought they were heterosexuals

 

Dear @NewYorker why are your tweets so brief? I thought you were devoted to long form.

 

I need $

 

Get me some $

 

$ $$ $

 

$ problems

 

Dear bob cover, please send bob coover $. love, bob cover

 

June 2, 2014

Is bob coover okay

 

Might change my name to “bib coober”

 

June 3, 2014

Are your book sales really book sales

 

Are you struggling to experience a beautiful feeling

 

Is it your goal to have effective book marketing ideas

 

New writing department at brown: (self)e-writing

 

Do you need a free custom evaluation

 

June 4, 2014

I once tried to kiss Alicia Silverstone.

 

June 5, 2014

Anonymous email I got this morning: “A list of drugs I did in your class: alcohol, nicotine, Adderall, Ritalin, cocaine, Advil, coffee…”

 

Follow me on twitter

 

I heard the @NewYorker doesn’t buy books

 

Blurb

 

Bill Blurbler

 

June 8, 2014

What’s happening?

 

June 9, 2014

Dear @DeptofDefense, please kill more people.

 

June 12, 2014

Student asked “should I become a writer or a heroin addict?”

 

June 18, 2014

Anyone want to buy a plastic bag of pubes. I found one in my mail box.

 

lol

 

Robert Coover sounds like a pretentious a hole

 

June 20, 2014

Any more dead white male authors?

 

June 21, 2014

Help

 

June 24, 2014

Might opt out of my contact and explore the free agent market

 

I once bit John Updike

 

Actually I bit Updike twice but he was already dead the second time

 

June 25, 2014

David Bowie doesn’t actually own David Bowie.

 

at hbo us is his end I’d dj ix ck dj g

 

HIS du if go Eby dj thin Oh Otis fishing men kidding am high

 

Jeg Arab imagine ink y sh iiii ttttttttt go dysthymia!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Isuzu icky novice ism jcrew

 

June 26, 2014

Sext: i’m bob cover

 

June 27, 2014

Anyone have any love supplements? I have $.

 

June 28, 2014

I hate sports

 

aremypoopsnormal.sexy

 

June 30, 2014

All my students have more followers than me :(

 

Might lose tenure if I don’t get more followers #help

 

July 2, 2014

Hog sex the master with the master’s own jam.

 

July 3, 2014

Last night did not go well. Should have just went home, done semen experiments, and gone to bed.

 

Did not sleep. Have to teach writing in 3 hours. Might have smoked 8 bags of crack. #ProfLife

 

Bob coover. I tweet about bob coover.

 

July 5, 2014

Jesus I’m almost dead

 

Anyone want to make some babies and help further my bloodline?

 

Master of pre school

 

July 6, 2014

bk evenson is the beast mother

 

July 7, 2014

Im currently reading THE BRUNIST DAY OF WRATH by Robert Coover

 

July 8, 2014

Not officially vacating my position as bob coover.

 

Not going to acknowledge my misspellings.

 

July 9, 2014

Please don’t stop killing babies in Palestine.

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