FANZINE

It is hard for me to write after it

The Blood Barn
 
                          city of tingling spring / coil The universe
                          city of tingling spring / coil The universe
                          city of tingling spring / coil The universe

                          city of tingling spring / coil The universe
 
The left side of the face /
emotes slightly stronger
than the right A mien to
move a Queen (Emily
Dickinson) /

                     Blood A Darkness My root My mother in January / in Chicago
 looking to the left



                           I woke up in January /
 




I woke up in January Fukked / on NyQuil Charcoal glitter / in the water Charcoal
glitter in the throat / A mien to move a queen (Emily Dickinson) / Proteins

                        of living things R left handed Meteorite / fragments that fall 
                        across the frozen surface show left handed excess / Charcoal

glitter in the water Charcoal glitter in the throat / Proteins of living things 
Fragments that fall across / my mouth show left handed excess Blood A Lake

                        Turned Dark against / Discarding against the side of my 
                        Drinking Place / my mouth is Somehow A Lake Turned Dark

Somehow life is choosing a shape Its mirror image can be incredibly / poisonous 
A morning sickness / It’s 3 AM and I’ve woken up in January to pee but there’s

                        so much Blood on the left side of my face I hold up my phone 
                        / pull back my lip to talk To call N in To talk a picture

Leaves burst forth in growth To talk a picture of what’s happening













                   city of tingling spring / coil The universe Two brown holes
                      broken on the inside / of my Drinking Place The queen
                                       of wands is described
















                     as looking / out and away 2 her left / as if observing
                                      something of interest /

It is hard to write after it To write after The Blood Barn / to write after The Blood Barn
for L / Somehow life is choosing a shape Somehow a part of it / is poisonous and mine
I wake up with it in my Drinking Place I wake up with it / To wake up while it’s still dark
/ To wake up with gratitude To wake up preferring to know this is indestructible This
feeling that is also illness / is not supposed to last / beyond the appearance of it / ?? /
The weak little body / ?? / How do you choose your form / ?? / This is indestructible
The weak little body The Blood Barn / She never felt like ruin to me I never felt ruined
An exploration of Stein saying, “Anything shut in with you can sing” I never feel ruined
though it is poisonous and mine My life it comes and goes It comes and goes The work
of allowing grief I still feel / the work of allowing grief I never felt ruined That girl was
waiting / She was Suspended / All the pollen is about to drop to cover says the young
blond student I’m so fucking tired of the narrative that EDs are nothing but abject
misery when the social rewards of thinness are so fucking profound says the young
blond writer But is that what I did it for Was I paid enough for it / Was I paid enough
for how it continues / ?? / For how it is indestructible beyond the appearance of it / The
women that lived with The weak little body / don’t speak to me The doctor told me to try
Eating / butter My mother suffered / the love in my life My life it comes and goes It
comes and goes To the love inside my life / I was a stranger and that is why I write after
it That girl was waiting / She was suspended Can you describe her choice How much /
she seems to be enjoying it I don’t disagree but I will insist that I wanted to end it
Anyone’s ability to see or be near my body / I didn’t want a fucking body / I wanted
thought Hard salty soil Bursting open / one Changing Line / It was selfish and painful It
is hard to write after it The question I should ask is What does this poem need? What
can I give this poem? Instead I ask if I will ever finish it This poem / The answer I get
is Family member: Eldest Daughter Body Part: Thigh Season: Early Summer Image:
Wind, Wood / Close to the Grain, Broad Forehead, Threefold Return The answer I get is,
“This ruin wasn’t caused by evil, but by indifference to decay” And isn’t that what I am
Unable to be / indifferent to her decay How it comes and goes It comes and goes
Below the answer an egg is whipped in a steel bowl Another open tab / it says / There
is no wrong way to process trauma but there is a better way for women to take down the
famous men who hurt them I don’t give a shit / about what happens to famous men
You are a transgression that I know / has occurred Family Member: Youngest Son Body
Part: Hand Season: Late Winter Image: Mountain / Watchman, Fingers, Rat or Gnarled
Tree Are the women seeking revenge “Study their journals, watch for markings that
dare to map” or have they chosen to speak / Do they save what you have abandoned
Who is beyond repair The lining of the universe A beam touches her spine A beam
touches mine The weak little body / Is it a girl who is Unable to be / indifferent to her
decay / city of tingling I wake up with it in my Drinking Place I wake up with it
To wake up while it’s still dark / To wake up with gratitude To wakes up preferring
to know this is indestructible This is only / immediate / a girl This / Bloodthirsty sap /
“Just by addressing yourself / the problem you exhibit After crossing, devote You exhibit
Whispering / Pebbles / How these things help / Poetry and Rage / one Changing line
After crossing, devote” I’ve never been a famous men I’ve never been a “gift to us all” /
I’m just a bitch w/ hips so tight they turn down and 2 the left in excess / I’m just a bitch
or a recording that won’t ever convince you of how much she can describe / To the love
inside my life She is not a stranger and that is why I write after it The Blood Barn that is
why I will never finish it / my life it comes and goes It comes and goes

——————–

_{Carrie Lorig is the author of The Pulp Vs. The Throne (Artifice Books), a book of poems and essays. Her chapbooks include The Book of Repulsive Women (Essay Press), Reading as a Wildflower Activist (H_NGM_N), and NODS (Magic Helicopter Press).}