FANZINE

Hello Horoscopians! I hope you all are well and find yourself in a good place. My name is Never, and I will be writing to you monthly to give you some insight into your coming month, some horoscopial advice for your horoscopic needs. Feel free to interpret these as you like and use good judgment when following any advice, including mine. There will be a full moon this month, make good use of it, carry condoms while slutting, and watch out for potholes, my babes.

 

Aquarius

During this month’s full moon you can expect to learn about a new system of understanding time. During this month’s full moon you have expected to learn about a new system of time. During this month’s full moon you will expect to have already learned about a new system of time. You exist in this temporal space alone. But you can visit the rest of us whenever you like.

 

Pisces

It looks like you’re in for a month of homosexuality and terrible cooking. Maybe you’re a homosexual who will boil up some nasty pasta. Maybe you will make or purchase some grody eats for a gay in your life. Maybe you yourself are some gross leftovers about to get into some hot leftover4leftover action. Who knows. It’s your life, Pisces.

 

Aries

Go to the woods, Aries. Bring a dog. Borrow a dog if necessary. You will find a hint there as to where to go next. Follow the trail. The road it leads you down will change your perception in ways you could never imagine. This is not a zenith or a nadir, but rather an azimuth in your life’s path.

 

Taurus

All your deepest questions don’t have answers, Taurus. The context isn’t what you think it is. Given time, those questions will no longer make sense. If you want to know what I’m talking about, try digging a hole. Physically dig a literal hole in the ground. If you still don’t get it, dig it deeper.

 

Gemini

Gemini, I’m looking at the planets for you this month, and I’m thinking, “I hope you’re not allergic to cats.” That’s all I’ll say for now, but yeah. Stock up on antihistamines, I guess.

 

Cancer

At some point before the full moon, you will be in a room with exactly ten people and every one of them will be thinking about sex. I’m not saying they will be horny, cancer. This is the time when you should reveal your plan. If you don’t have a plan to reveal, get planning.

 

Leo

Help your community this month, Leo. You have SKILLS. Your community needs them. You will also need to give a bicycle to a girl with brown eyes and touch some formica at some point.

 

Virgo

Take time to cry this month. Think of it as a puzzle you need to solve. If you need help, try the hardware store. They have those little colored cards for matching paint. Take as many as you need.

 

Libra

Damn. Like really. Damn. You know about yourself, don’t you? If you don’t think you know about yourself, try leaving a cup of water on your nightstand for three days and then drink it with turmeric. Turmeric is supposed to have a lot of health benefits or something.

 

Scorpio

You don’t really know what’s going on a lot of the time, do you, Scorpio? I mean, yes, you very much do, most of the time. But there are moments. Moments when your mind steps outside, takes a look around and says “What the fuck? Where the hell am I?” You are nowhere, Scorpio. Even when you think you are somewhere, you aren’t there. This is your greatest strength and most devastating weakness. Trust your muscle memory, and don’t look into bright lights.

 

Sagittarius

Oh Sagittarius, this month will be one for the books. There will be a lot of books involved. Read them, if you know what’s good for you.

 

Capricorn

This month you will find a door in your home that you never noticed before. You will open this door and inside it will be a smaller door. Inside that door there will be a door that is smaller yet. It will keep going like this until you can no longer fit inside the doors. You will keep opening them, your arm reaching deeper into this shrinking passage. Eventually you will no longer be able to see what you are touching. Eventually, there will be a door you cannot open. It will feel impossibly cold. Tomorrow the door will be gone. You will always wonder what is beyond that last door. It is the stuff you are made of, Capricorn. Never let it go.

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_{Never Angeline North is an artist, writer, mystic and designer based in Olympia, WA. She is author of the books Sea-Witch, Careful Mountain and Sara or the Existence of Fire and founder of Undying Apparel. You can find more about her at http://undying.club.}