FANZINE

Dear Jayne,

I have been dating a great girl for a month now. Everything is going good between us except for our sex life. I am afraid to have sex with her. I told her I wanted to wait but the truth is that I’m scared to have sex because I come quickly. I’m scared that once she finds out she’ll leave me. What do I do? Do I just come out and tell her?

Quick Draw McGraw

 

Dear Quick Draw,

I wouldn’t tell her anything. Telling your girlfriend that you have a hair trigger pistol is just going to be an embarrassing, awkward conversation that isn’t going to get you anything, except maybe mocked.  I completely believe you should date people who you can be open and honest with, but I don’t think you should ever tell the person you are dating before you sleep with them, “I think I am bad in bed.”  You should give them a chance to decide that one on their own.

Jokes aside, your hair trigger is probably a much bigger deal to you than it is to your girlfriend. Only twenty percent of women can orgasm from penetration alone. So this one part of sex that you are putting a lot of emphasis on isn’t the totality of sex to a lot of women.  As long as you are a giving and thoughtful lover, don’t look at your orgasm as the end of sex, and make sure she gets to fire off a round also (read: give her lots of cunnilingus and manual stimulation) you are going to be an amazing lover. Some girls might even take your excitement as a complement, and––if you have it in you––there is always the option of going a second time. Most often men are able to hold their second round longer than the first. If your hair trigger is really a big deal to your girlfriend and she walks out on you because of it, she wasn’t worth sleeping with in the first place.

If your sensitive pistol still bothers you there are things you can do to have a stronger, longer erection (aside from seeing a doctor). Trojan released a condom that they claim elongates sex. Reviews of the product are mixed between “I lasted all night” and “it numbed my penis.” Because the condom’s active ingredient is topical (as long as you don’t have allergies) I don’t really see any harm in trying them out, but I would steer clear of any pills “natural” or otherwise that aren’t prescribed by a doctor. I have no medical data to back this up, there is just something about these penis pills that just scream out “embarrassing hospital visit” to me.

A safe, truly natural way to strengthen your erection is to literally make it stronger with Kegal exercises. The exercises that are routinely recommended to females to intensifying orgasms work equally well for men. Kegel exercises, which are most often prescribed to treat urinary incontinence, also strengthen muscles that are responsible for ejaculatory control. You can perform Kegels by contracting the muscles that stop and start the flow of urine. Kegels aren’t a quick fix; just like any exercise it will take time and practice to see results.  While you are working on your Kegels you can also exercise what is largely thought of as the strongest muscle in the human body, your tongue, to pleasure your girlfriend. I am almost positive she won’t mind.

 

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Dear Jayne,

I’ve been “dating” the same guy for six months now. He says he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but he’s acting like he is in a relationship with me.  We hang out all the time, sleep over at each other’s houses, and he does things for me like fix things around my house or buy me flowers and gifts. I have really strong feelings for him and I don’t want to leave, but I am very confused about what is going on here. Why does he say one thing then act another way? Am I wasting my time with him? Is he just scared of commitment? Is he “just not that into me” even though he says and acts like he is? What should I do?

Just Not Into This Anymore

 

Dear Not Into This,

Two summers ago I was in the same position, as was my best friend. Now she is happily with her “not-boyfriend boyfriend” in a legitimate relationship and I am only on speaking terms with my “not-ex ex” sporadically after I gave him my version of a “not-breakup breakup” (banshee wailing obscenities, low blows to visible insecurities, near table-flipping antics) when I caught him behaving like someone who was “not my boyfriend” with another girl. I bring up this anecdote not to illustrate how bat shit crazy I can be, but to illustrate that sometimes these “relationship purgatories” become real relationships and sometimes they go bad. Most of the time (I’m guessing 99%), they go bad. It’s like the relationships that make it are only there to mock the ones that failed and to give false hope to those that are still clinging on.

In your case, Just Not Into This, your relationship is not going to change.  Your “not boyfriend boyfriend” knows that you want a legitimate relationship and he still hasn’t pulled you out of relationship purgatory. He probably never will. You need to pay attention to what he’s saying and not what he is doing.

Mr. Not Boyfriend Boyfriend told you he doesn’t want a girlfriend because he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend. He dotes on you because he doesn’t want you to go; he wants to keep you around on the side while he, literally, “feels out” his options with other women. When he’s done exploring his options he’ll leave you guilt free, knowing he delivered exactly what he promised you: nothing.

Just Not Into This, I would walk away from Mr. Not Boyfriend Boyfriend now. You don’t have to make a big show of it, you aren’t dating; you can just go. (And please don’t recreate my impersonation of a Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member. No one leaves those shows looking good.) I’m sure he does like you and if you leave him tactfully you can be a more authentic version of what you are now: friends.  Start dating other guys ASAP, and remind yourself how nice it is to be with someone who wants to be with you too.

 

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Allergic To A Different Kind of Nut

In 1958 a German woman went to her doctor complaining of a swollen throat and abdominal pain. What was at first misdiagnosed as an STD became the first ever reported semen allergy after the patient was given a skin prick test. Today an allergy to semen, or Human Seminal Plasma Hypersensitivity (HSPH), is more common than initially thought, affecting up to five percent of women. Symptoms include vaginal burning, swelling, redness or blisters following contact with semen. Patients with semen allergies are advised to take the same precautions that people with sea creature allergies: keep an EpiPen handy.

 

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