FANZINE

BIOPLANET HELL LET’S PLAY

2773823 miles underground still no sign of Deep Mother. Wall tendrils now purple not pink. Unsure of significance

Hall of petrified trans fems in sector 9, near third mall-ventricle. Nervously fingering my estrogen symbol charm

Trying to sing cheerful song to remind me of back home, all I can remember are ones about mutilating trans fems faces and genitals ;(

Wrist cannons malfunctioned and killed half my snacks. I don’t think I can find any more Earth snacks down here. Mood: somber

Grappling hook has some kind of shareware protection. Weaving this apple juice flavored reed + thorn hook into replacement

Underground town keeps popping up on my radar then disappearing. Maybe I don’t deserve underground towns

Found cute pink dress in crater pod. Not enough Gold Keys to access. Feeling kind of suicidal right now

Installed another mood module in my armor suit. None of the labels are really legible but I think this one is “Giggleguts”

Turquoise floor spines stroking my toes. Some ancient psychic force on this planet knows I’m ticklish

5 Bulbous Pods overtaken on the heat plains by 3 Ornery Bulbs. Truly majestic. I take liver samples from the steaming bodies

Biosludge candles with flames of blood. Some kind of religious significance. I crush another ant priest under my 50 pound armored boot

Chartreuse slimefalls have eroded this glorious sulphur mine for centuries. My jetpack keeps knocking me into stalactites where I drop 5% of my total inventory over and over again

Bottomless pit, glowsticks dead, armor lantern dead, zero illumination, left alone every night in the greasy trauma of my own thoughts like a suffocating oil, the

 

 

LILAC SHAME WALKTHROUGH

Pink Lizards have 3 Rose Balls embedded in their spinal cavities. Magenta Lizards have 6 Rose Balls embedded in their spinal cavities. It’s not hard. You can google this. Anyways these balls let you absorb damage over time. This is the definition of privilege.

There are 30 floors in a Green Skyscraper. Each has a unique response to your Scanner. You will find yourself making many trips back to the shop to repair your Scanner. You need the Scanner to find the shop. The shop is invisible.

When I’m feeling sad: “Should have used a Super Move!”

Disrupting the restaurant trade in Flower Maze City by hauling my moaning 300 foot long rotting slug carcass body through the streets, knocking rice bowls and soft drinks off the tables as hundreds of patrons bustle into the streets to witness my shame as bulldozers ram tons of salt into my body.

Shrinks to the size of a marshmallow and hides in your cheek pouches. Shrinks to the size of an apricot and hides in your hair. I’m your lucky pal

 

 

DAFFODIL DISGRACE WALKTHROUGH

Go to Waffle HQ. The alpha waffle will instruct you on your mission. Listen carefully and collect your gear from the armory. If you give Item: Butter to the little waffle girl she will glitch out and give you infinite Red Potions but she’ll be trapped in the floor forever.

Athena Parasite: Your Venom Gauge fills faster but watch out! You take extra damage from seeing other people in pain and being helpless to save them. 500 Gold.

Mermaid’s Diary: 10% Empathy for Mermaids. Maybe sometimes trauma doesn’t get better. Maybe you just compete with it. Try to drown out the hissing with a lullaby. A brighter light.

Dig in the trash heap for gems.

This electronic device scans a nearby person and says if they’re in the same hell as you or a totally separate hell

 

 

JASMINE HUMILIATION WALKTHROUGH

Equip the Scarlet Brooch. You can see ghosts now. Place the Puzzle Box on the Resident Strawberry Fetish Altar. This doesn’t do anything but it feels kind of thematically appropriate

You are dropping from a dark place to a darker place. You have dirt on your knees. You have blood on your knees. You keep falling. You are being punished.

Equip the Apricot Badge. +1 Jump. Nice. You read their words every day waiting, waiting, waiting until you realize it was just light to see yourself by. You turn inward. You almost don’t come back. You come back.

Bestiary: Angels are pure beings of radiance and forgiveness. Angels are radiant beings of pure light. They are perfect.

Baby Orb will find you inside the closet. Hug it until all enemies have left the map. Take it back to base. Let it sleep in your bed. You will find pearls in the morning and no memory of the previous day.

Special tip for women: imagine yourself flying through the sky…an inexorable missile covered in dead scarred skin…waiting for nothing

The Ice Lake will break if you wear the Heavy Soul Boots. Only Feather Boots can cross the Ice Lake, where you will die. Don’t worry, XP carries over to New Game+. Now you can reach the Ice Lake much faster, where you will die. Don’t worry, XP carries over to New Game++. Now you can reach the

————

_{Porpentine Charity Heartscape‘s latest short story collection is Eczema Angel Orifice. She’s won the XYZZY and Indiecade awards, been displayed at EMP Museum and The Museum of the Moving Image, and profiled by the NYTimes.}

_{Fanzine’s Late Summer / Fall poetry editor is Penny Goring. Penny Goring lives in London. She makes things.}