“dead, dead, dead” / “I am howling now” / “Wallow”
31.08.16
dead, dead, dead
I lie awake at night
thinking about the nightmares
ice cream men have
It is never silent for them.
They are always being chased
People tell me
You’re so funny
because I wrote a poem
about taking a shit
when really I just wanted to be honest
about my asshole
No where is safe anymore
Some days everything is perfect
I feel beautiful and happy
Other days I want to shake men
aggressively by their shoulders
make direct eye contact with them
and say, “Stop writing novels!”
I look at my friends
and think dead, dead, dead
while imagining writing my memoir
and who will be the first to go
I am howling now
I am frequently howling
regardless of what I am feeling
or what I ate the night before
I am howling now
If you emptied out an elephant
and took shelter inside of her
It still would not be
a whole lot of shelter
I lean back in my bed
against two warm pillows
An ambulance drives by silently
I swallow air and then more air
If you ask that man
whether or not I truly loved him
he would say
She was alone a lot of the time
If you can’t hear the howling now
If the elephant is still alive
If at night you remember it is night
It’s just that–
Running out of love feels like
when the sky is low
and you can hear bugs
and you can hear bugs hiding
Wallow
What’s the word for when you present female but bark like a dog
What’s the word for waiting for your plant to drink its water and it is your fault
What’s the word for buttplay from the outside of a butt
What’s the word for too much Indian buffet
What’s the word for being a child and putting your ass in the air so that when you fart you can suck the air back in
What’s the word for committing suicide before you have to witness your mother’s death
What’s the word for being embarrassed by how quickly holes form in your shoes
What’s the word for not remembering 2006-2012
What’s the word for sneezing every time you hit a joint
What’s the word for trying everyday
What’s the word for hamstrings so good you just wanna take a bite outta them
What’s the word for how to undo eyerolls directed at your mother when you were a teen
What’s the word for never taking off your socks
What’s the word for not understanding how some people just go on vacation
What’s the word for how hot your ears get when you take a morning piss
What’s the word for fear of dead bodies that exceeds necrophobia
What’s the word for food that tastes good until you know what’s in it
What’s the word for every poem I write is an underlying fear that at some point my mother won’t be alive to love me back
———————–
Sarah Jean Alexander is the author of Wildlives (Big Lucks Books, 2015) and LOUD IDIOTS (Second Books, 2016) and has been featured in the Quietus, the Fader, Noisey, Dazed Digital, Lenny Letter and elsewhere. She is the poetry editor of Shabby Doll House and tweets @sarahjeanalex.