FANZINE

By now you’ve probably heard. Corey "The Haimster" Haim is dead. He was 38 and had lost something like 150 pounds over the last few years. He was pretty much a career screw-up right until the end, which is somehow cosmically fitting considering how cocky he was early in his career when he was considered a "teen idol." I can’t say I ever really liked anything that guy did except for "License to Drive." Even in "Lost Boys" I thought he was pretty bad. And he was never in "The Goonies," like his counterpart in a bunch of terrible movies, Corey Feldman. Feldman, unlike Haim, also put out this ridiculous Christmas record that was basically a 40-minute guitar solo with Feldman mumbling out Christmas song lyrics while on what seems to be opium.

The main reason I don’t like Corey Haim is this video my friend Sarah gave me for my birthday one year. It was this promo-documentary on Corey Haim that was probably produced by his agent to help him pick up pre-teen girls (his agent… or Haim. Maybe both.). I still have it somewhere. It’s on VHS. Of course, it was a joke present but I watched it anyway. I couldn’t believe what a cocky bastard he was in that video; granted I was probably watching it more than 10 years after it was made so I had the benefit of retroactive cynicism that maybe I wouldn’t have had when I was nine or whatever. Everyone just kissed his ass in the video, and all his friends called him "Haimster" or "The Haimster," which I found particularly annoying. Even his damn hockey jersey had "The Haimster" stitched across the back. And all his friends passed him the puck. Part of me still wishes I was on the other team so I could hit him with one of those blindside hits that are knocking out NHL players so often this season.

I just found the video. It’s called "Corey Haim: Me, Myself and I." What a prick, man. The only thing that saved his career or what was left of it was Corey Feldman, who was in great movies like "The Goonies," "The ‘Burbs," "The Monster Squad," and then carried his homeboy Haimster on his back through a bunch of projects, not the least of which was "Blown Away" (1992), which I remember watching in 8th grade so I could see the girl in the movie, Nicole Eggert, get naked. Great stuff.

Other than that, the only Haimster movies worth a damn from my childhood are "Lucas," only because it fueled this crush I had on Winona Ryder when I was a kid (even though Kerri Green who played Andy in "The Goonies" was supposed to be the female love interest, at least to Lucas, Haim’s character, who plays this nerdy freshman who can’t tell a locust from a cicada [I thought nerds were smart] and decides to impress Green by playing on the football team and getting creamed in the end zone after dropping the pass. I never liked Kerri Green either), and "License to Drive," because it fueled a youthful fascination with Heather Graham. Anything Haimster was in that was "good" was a lucky stroke for him. His presence was mostly incidental and probably could have been replaced by Corey Feldman in any of those roles.

After those halcyon days of Teen Idol-ness quickly faded, Haimster started falling apart. Lots of drugs and addictions. Years wasted. Blew up to over 300 pounds (how’s that for a teen idol?). Even Corey Feldman ended up not being able to stand him. The guy had some real problems he couldn’t figure out how to fix. Maybe he’ll get a second chance somewhere in the universe. 

edit: I take back some of what I said about how bad Haim’s career was because I just remembered he was in that werewolf movie "Silver Bullet."

—mkl