March 31: The Final Four Column

I’ve spent the weekend painting my apartment and watching NCAA basketball, and I’ve come to two conclusions. First of all, it’s far easier to throw away used paintbrushes than to clean them, especially if they’re cheap and you don’t happen to live in a house with a basement washtub. I know that sounds wasteful, but I have no practical means to dispose of water that’s been tainted with paint and mineral spirits, so I’m probably doing the environment a favor.

Second, a Final Four with all number one seeds is the greatest thing since Batman Begins. I can’t say this with 100 percent certainty yet, since it’s never happened before, but I think it’s going to be one of the greatest Finals in NCAA history.

I know what you’re thinking: I’ve been inhaling paint fumes. Isn’t it more fun to have at least one heavy underdog (Davidson) in the mix, than to root for perennial powerhouses like North Carolina, Kansas, Memphis, and UCLA? Davidson nearly upset Kansas, after all. What about all of us fans who are sick and tired of those schools, and need to have a storyline about an improbably tiny school of 1,700 students competing on the grand stage with the (if you will) 800-pound gorillas of college roundball?

But as Carmine Falcone said to Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins, “You haven’t thought it through.” You haven’t thought about the probability that a low seed in the Final Four is the main ingredient for a terrible ball game. In the past decade, we’ve seen two number eight seeds (North Carolina and Wisconsin in 2000) and one number eleven seed (George Mason in 2006) advance to the semifinals. The results of those games? Florida ran right past UNC, 71-59 (though it was close for a little while in the second half). Michigan State broke free from Wisconsin’s circa-1900 vintage game plan and “held” the Badgers to 41 points. And loveable George Mason got stomped by Florida in 2006, 73-58.

Granted, there’s been no shame in losing to the Gators the past couple of years, and GM DID upset #1 seed UConn in the previous round. But somehow, these dark horses become mystified upon reaching the threshold of the championship game. The first couple of weeks of March Madness are great times for upsets, because the schedule is so whirlwind, who has time to think about the next game? Good teams get exhausted being constantly challenged by up-and-comers, and underdogs keep pushing forward on the adrenaline and exhilaration that comes from upsetting anyone. But come Final Four time, the cream rises to the top. A heavy underdog in the mix isn’t an opportunity for a monumental upset, it’s a free pass to the title game for one lucky team.

(And I’m aware of Villanova, 1985, but that was 23 years ago. If it happened more often, people wouldn’t always bring up Villanova, 1985.)

So for those of you who won’t be tuning in because it’s all #1 seeds, that is, all great teams, competing for the championship, you’re probably going to miss out on some classic and competitive basketball. And for those of you who think I’m heartless, yes, I wanted the Patriots to win Super Bowl XLII, I loved watching Michael Jordan’s Bulls win six titles, and I prefer Darth Vader to Luke Skywalker. OK??