SPORT
March Madness Blog: The Final Four
/ Adam Underhill
03.24.08
Friday March 21st, 8:45 pm
I’m lying prostrate on the sofa, having just woken from a grilled cheese sandwich-induced nap. I've been snoring with the Duke game on in the background, expecting to wake up to a 65-35 score somewhere in the second half. Not so fast––a school named Belmont just took a 58-56 lead over the Blue Devils. Which means, at some point, I may have to sit up and Google “Belmont” because I have no idea where it is located. So far, all I know is that Vince Gill must have gone there, because they keep cutting to him in the audience.
I often think of what lame headlines might pop up based on the name of a team or player. In this case, if Belmont wins, papers like the New York Post are going to go nuts with “Belmont Stakes A Big Win” and lame jokes like that. It’s fun, you should try it. Marquette won earlier today, so you could write, “Super Marquette!” (If Marquette has a bowling team, how often does the school paper use “Marquette Zero!”? Probably not often, since not everyone makes constant Big Lebowski references like I do.)
9:05
I’ve been bracing myself for a commercial for the upcoming How I Met Your Mother featuring Britney Spears so I can complain about it, but I haven’t seen one yet. I’ll complain anyway: Does America really have to go through the inevitable Britney Spears comeback? I guess I just answered my own question. You know there’s more coming. After Britney gets predictable kudos from an eager-to-make-up entertainment press, there will be a new “funny” Pepsi ad, followed by a Weekend Update guest editorial, and then a Today Show outdoor summer concert. By August, she’ll be stumping for John McCain at the Republican National Convention. Shoot me now.
While I typed that, Belmont went back up by one, 70-69. Maybe I should pay attention, and stop writing about Britney. I hope Fanzine doesn’t boldface celebrity names in its columns, or I’m really going to look like a tool.
Duke just missed, so it’s Belmont’s (the Bruins, whose school is in Nashville) possession with 47 seconds left. It’s that heart-twisting time when the sorry bastards who root for the 15 seed actually they think they have a shot at beating Duke. [Post-blog note: I totally forgot that Duke was upset by an 11 seed, Virginia Commonwealth, last year.]
Gerald Henderson drives coast-to-coast for the winning points. Duke 71, Belmont 70. “Duke Drives Stake Through Belmont’s Heart.” I told you it was easy.
9:21 PM
The NHL is the latest entity to use Carmina Burana in a commercial. Attention advertising agencies: Using Carmina Burana in a commercial is the classical equivalent of using James Brown’s “I Feel Good” in a movie trailer.
9:25 PM
On to two teams about which I’ve never been able to muster an opinion: Texas A&M and Brigham Young University. However!––there are only two minutes left. This is why the NCAA Tournament is the single greatest sporting event in America. Because of the staggered tipoff times, there always seems to be a close game ending in the early rounds. And even if you don’t have the premium package (as I do not), you’re presented with one exciting finish after another. It’s one of the rare moments in sportscasting when a network (CBS) actually delivers what the viewers (you, me, and everyone we know) want to see. So, I’m interested in this game. I’ll go with the Aggies, since agriculture and manufacturing have probably done more for my life than the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (though it did help me track down my great-grandfather’s Italian birth certificate).
“BY-BY BYU.” Okay, that was lame.
9:47 PM
CBS just showed footage of George Mason head coach Jim Larranaga giving a pre-game speech that would make a team of eight year olds uncomfortable. He told his players that the fans think they are magicians (because of their athletic abilities), then held up a picture of the Notre Dame leprechaun, crumpled it up, threw it out, and said, “Make him disappear!” Unfortunately, CBS cut away before we got to see the team either a) break down into howling laughter, or b) back away slowly and quietly, Simpsons-style. I might add that Larranaga forgot to account for the fact that leprechauns ALSO have magical powers, so it’s going to be a real Tolkeinesque struggle out there today. Getcha dice ready.
9:50 PM
Why is Notre Dame’s student section so damned obnoxious? All I can hear on the broadcast is them yelling, “Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” like Thundercats every time George Mason has the ball. At least the Tomahawk Chop had a melody. Maybe they are howls of pain, leftover from the football season!
9:57 PM
Seriously, Notre Dame fans, STFU. Don’t make me switch to Celebrity Apprentice.
10:03
I don’t think I can listen to this anymore.
I’m lying prostrate on the sofa, having just woken from a grilled cheese sandwich-induced nap. I've been snoring with the Duke game on in the background, expecting to wake up to a 65-35 score somewhere in the second half. Not so fast––a school named Belmont just took a 58-56 lead over the Blue Devils. Which means, at some point, I may have to sit up and Google “Belmont” because I have no idea where it is located. So far, all I know is that Vince Gill must have gone there, because they keep cutting to him in the audience.
I often think of what lame headlines might pop up based on the name of a team or player. In this case, if Belmont wins, papers like the New York Post are going to go nuts with “Belmont Stakes A Big Win” and lame jokes like that. It’s fun, you should try it. Marquette won earlier today, so you could write, “Super Marquette!” (If Marquette has a bowling team, how often does the school paper use “Marquette Zero!”? Probably not often, since not everyone makes constant Big Lebowski references like I do.)
9:05
I’ve been bracing myself for a commercial for the upcoming How I Met Your Mother featuring Britney Spears so I can complain about it, but I haven’t seen one yet. I’ll complain anyway: Does America really have to go through the inevitable Britney Spears comeback? I guess I just answered my own question. You know there’s more coming. After Britney gets predictable kudos from an eager-to-make-up entertainment press, there will be a new “funny” Pepsi ad, followed by a Weekend Update guest editorial, and then a Today Show outdoor summer concert. By August, she’ll be stumping for John McCain at the Republican National Convention. Shoot me now.
While I typed that, Belmont went back up by one, 70-69. Maybe I should pay attention, and stop writing about Britney. I hope Fanzine doesn’t boldface celebrity names in its columns, or I’m really going to look like a tool.
Duke just missed, so it’s Belmont’s (the Bruins, whose school is in Nashville) possession with 47 seconds left. It’s that heart-twisting time when the sorry bastards who root for the 15 seed actually they think they have a shot at beating Duke. [Post-blog note: I totally forgot that Duke was upset by an 11 seed, Virginia Commonwealth, last year.]
Gerald Henderson drives coast-to-coast for the winning points. Duke 71, Belmont 70. “Duke Drives Stake Through Belmont’s Heart.” I told you it was easy.
9:21 PM
The NHL is the latest entity to use Carmina Burana in a commercial. Attention advertising agencies: Using Carmina Burana in a commercial is the classical equivalent of using James Brown’s “I Feel Good” in a movie trailer.
9:25 PM
On to two teams about which I’ve never been able to muster an opinion: Texas A&M and Brigham Young University. However!––there are only two minutes left. This is why the NCAA Tournament is the single greatest sporting event in America. Because of the staggered tipoff times, there always seems to be a close game ending in the early rounds. And even if you don’t have the premium package (as I do not), you’re presented with one exciting finish after another. It’s one of the rare moments in sportscasting when a network (CBS) actually delivers what the viewers (you, me, and everyone we know) want to see. So, I’m interested in this game. I’ll go with the Aggies, since agriculture and manufacturing have probably done more for my life than the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (though it did help me track down my great-grandfather’s Italian birth certificate).
“BY-BY BYU.” Okay, that was lame.
9:47 PM
CBS just showed footage of George Mason head coach Jim Larranaga giving a pre-game speech that would make a team of eight year olds uncomfortable. He told his players that the fans think they are magicians (because of their athletic abilities), then held up a picture of the Notre Dame leprechaun, crumpled it up, threw it out, and said, “Make him disappear!” Unfortunately, CBS cut away before we got to see the team either a) break down into howling laughter, or b) back away slowly and quietly, Simpsons-style. I might add that Larranaga forgot to account for the fact that leprechauns ALSO have magical powers, so it’s going to be a real Tolkeinesque struggle out there today. Getcha dice ready.
9:50 PM
Why is Notre Dame’s student section so damned obnoxious? All I can hear on the broadcast is them yelling, “Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” like Thundercats every time George Mason has the ball. At least the Tomahawk Chop had a melody. Maybe they are howls of pain, leftover from the football season!
9:57 PM
Seriously, Notre Dame fans, STFU. Don’t make me switch to Celebrity Apprentice.
10:03
I don’t think I can listen to this anymore.
